Get what you need

If this isn't the life you wanted, please put on the grown up pants and realize Jagger may have had one or two things correct.  Some things just are and nothing is really fair across the boards. 

 It's sickeningly naive to believe you will find your footing in the world and love every aspect of your work simply because possibilities and hopes have been sung and whispered to us for such a long time.

Giving up isn't easy, it's rather suffocating actually. You can change paths, but it's not as though you'll start down the new way with the same old feet. There are blisters there you couldn't change from miles of pavement, and gravel, and dirt. They've changed your fingerprints, reactions, and memories. 

Forget your umbrella and unusually cool spring months spit in your face. Then I can tell you that you don't throw a fit.  You don't freak out over your hair falling out ( only in the wee hours, of course) . You shouldn't freak out at all, not when the real world doesn't care. But, you don't quite accept defeat either, you simply walk on knowing your jeans are dragging and that running would only get you wetter faster. 

I don't understand the attitude that everything must always be either great or awful. I can speak on an aspect that makes me feel awful, but that's not the whole of my experience. I am everything at once, with emotion and consciousness giving precedence to immediate factors.

Immediately, right now, I am twitchy, uncomfortable, and adrift. My roommate makes me cringe when she's done no wrong, while I am preoccupied with the situation I've dug for myself through months of getting caught in my own webby nonsense.

I swear I'm a highly functioning mimic. or worse. unsatisfied and insecure.

I watched Vicky Christina Barcelona, and if I can steal some Woody Allen....I only know what I don't want. 

I don't know what I want, or rather, I want a life that seems further and further away from fruition. 

I always believed things would just fall into place if I worked hard and did what I was supposed to do. 

Trying to be happy was one of the worst mistakes of my life. Maybe I should have let them break me completely. It's a shame I woke up one day with the realization of where I was heading, like after going to confirmation classes  with a best friend in middle school only to be scared off when I realized the classes were meant to lead to being a member of the church.

I feel like I'm not able to fully process concepts until I've seen an example or been in the thick of it.

There's no one to model after now and I don't want to be a carbon copy either. 

I've made that damn near impossible. 

I find my contradictions excruciating....I sway between meeting expectations and fantasy, unsure where to plant my feet and how to run from there. 

"You can't always get what you want..."

"caught between all you wish for and all you see"