2/17/09-a ruckus abov'us.

I fell backwards in my chair tonight. Straight back to the floor. It left a ringing in my ears and silence.  The snowy coat and dirty towels dampened the sound as I caught my weight, palms down, elbows bent.  My friend adrenaline flushed beneath my skin, tingling as I lie there holding my breath.  My left leg was perfectly straight up in the air.  The lack of sound was more alarming than the expected crash, but more so was the fear my neighbors below would react.  My early morning/late night movements must have been profound- heard through the cardboard floor of a  foundation built to last less than 10 years. 

~namaste

2/16/09

I want to sprint the finish- drop lines -become the snow bird. 

i'm waiting for a break in the sky

to fill my solar panels 

and fly

Buses make me nervous in the most belittling, unsettling way. So yes, this morning, half asleep to the day, I boarded and idly sat in the nearest empty seat.  But, awareness slowly crept in to make it apparent I was sitting in one of the handicapped areas.  If constantly fearing the bus would take me somewhere off the route wasn't enough to dampen my pits. 

The next 5 minutes or 10 for me were somewhere between a cycle of ragged breathes and a lifetime. Before I could get off or reach for the line that rings the bell,  I felt the back of the bus bristle still with derision.  I gripped my hot pink razor cell phone instead of the stop line; a gift from my mother. 

My neck. My crumbling feet. My life

Of course I'm handicapped and I'll sit where I please. I couldn't just move. I was paralyzed. 

I'd been sitting for at least 5 minutes. I qualified to sit here.  If anyone asked I knew what I could say. Ugly bitterness pooled on my tongue and I choked as I swallowed unused spit. 

Then, the crazily speeding bus lurched to a stop and more college students entered sleepily. They sat across from me in front of the blue handicap sign.  While less exposed, I felt removed and amiss. 

My body was concrete and steel in rigid form before I shook off the rust and got off at the next stop someone else requested. 

I was halfway across campus, nowhere near my destination. I was a mess. 

As I speed-walked through campus center, I watched 

my feet navigate the cracks and icy puddles. I resent authority and yet am painfully aware of societal expectations. The 30$ in parking tickets that morning did not help my disposition or take on the day.  I walked faster.

We're aware of the painful faults of society and its constructs (us), but must abide by the rules to coast on and prosper.  We (at least most of myself and my friends) are itching at this security but fear the unorganized free for all alternative. The possibility of ambition is endless, but crushing.  We know something else would be better. We know we're spoiled even with our mouths stuck with mud.  I don't think we could settle on anything less than forcing back the mechanical hands of time to a fresh naked world. 

I feel society imprinting on me, but yet I can't give up the benefits of assimilation to then progress into the unknown. 

I'm feeling more like a rabbit thinking you can't see her if she stays still. Her eyes are large and waiting for the jig to be up, up, and away.  I'm thinking I either need to break apart and live like small apartments with bathtubs in the kitchen sink or find a something somewhere that woos my whole commitment like a thief. 

This bus is lurching toward all my dystopian fears.